She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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