I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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