Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
