she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
