Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
