ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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