saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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