My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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