Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
