You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
