i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
