Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
