apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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