I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
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