I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
