either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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