Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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