new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
