Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
