And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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