I will die if light touches me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
