I hope mine doesn't look like that
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
