remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
