She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
