Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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