this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
