I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
