Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
