watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
