I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
