Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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