Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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