yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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