"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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