He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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