I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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