someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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