I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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