Porn is love you can see.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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