Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
