census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
