but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
