wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize