Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
