my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
please come you make the beer taste better
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
