you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
my poor anus
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
