before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
