when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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