I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
