Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
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Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
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I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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