so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
