Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
