I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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