i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
