Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
