I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i love accidental penises.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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