She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
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He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
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I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
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