3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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