There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
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I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
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I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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