eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
